Books Read for the 2009 Challenge

1. The Wizard of Oz - L. Frank Baum (finished January 3rd)
2. Peter Pan - J.M. Barrie (finished January 9th).
3. The Tales of Beedle the Bard - J.K. Rowling (finished January 10th).
4. Fantastic Beasts & Where to Find Them - Newt Scamander (aka J.K. Rowling; finished January 11th)
5. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - J.K. Rowling (finished January 15th)
6. The Horse and His Boy - C. S. Lewis (finished January 20th).
7. Grow Younger, Live Longer - Deepak Chopra, M.D. (finished February 11th)
8. The Bus Driver Who Wanted to be God & Other Stories - Etgar Keret (finished February 11th)
9. Sharp Objects - Gillian Flynn (finished February 26th - my review)
10. Coraline - Neil Gaiman (finished March 2nd - my review).
11. Neverwhere - Neil Gaiman (finished April 2nd).
12. Behaving Well - Edmund J. Fantino (finished April 8th).
13. The Graveyard Book - Neil Gaiman (finished April 17th).
14. Prince Caspian - C. S. Lewis (finished April 30th).
15. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte (finished May 14th).
16. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - J.K. Rowling (finished May 30th).
17. Revolutionary Road - Richard Yeats (finished June 15th)
18. Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister - Gregory Maguire (finished July 9th)

Definitely one of the most amazing birthday weeks ever! Last weekend, for the fourth I was in Indy with my parents and my (paternal) grandma. My grandma is quite possibly the cutest little old lady to ever walk the earth. I got to take her shopping, which included a starbucks run for me. Mostly, though, we just hung around the house, watching (too much) food network and napping.

Dad took me on my first adventure into a Super Target. I *big puffy heart* Target. So...Super Target--bigger, puffier heart! Haha. I picked up Gregory Maguire's "Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister" while I was there. I really loved it. A bit different from Wicked, there was not fantasy involved, which, I think, made me like it even more. I'm kind of a fan of fractured fairytales.

Overall, it was a mild, well-spent weekend. Oooh, someone will be proud of me for this: as I was with my Grama in JC Penny, there's a small Sephora post--I didn't go in! Didn't spend a dime! (Though I'm totally coveting their Atomic Volume mascara! The best mascara I've ever used!) Anyway...

Came home Monday with some kind of wicked stomach buggy thing. I'm not sure if it was something I picked up before I left or while I was there. But I think I was something I acquired at work; I wasn't the only one having serious stomach upset when I got to work on Monday. But I made it through work only to come home and crash, by 7:30 while on the phone with Carnahan. And I would have likely slept the night through on the futon but my phone kept ringing--it was Adrian and Jess calling to tell me that they're pregnant. I seriously don't know who's more excited--them or me. The way I keep babbling to people about it, you'd think the kid was mine! Since I found out, I've told...well...everyone who will be still long enough to listen!

So Tuesday came and I was still pretty sick when I got up. I feel lethargic and almost woozy, but I had an appointment with my adviser that I had to go to. As I was on my way to that I called work and told them that I wasn't coming in. Made it to my meeting on time, talked about a bunch of things that I HAVE GOT to do over the next year (i.e., work in a lab, do some volunteering, see if I can shadow a doctor), felt a little overwhelmed by the time the meeting was over. But it was helpful all the same. After that I came home and layed around for most of the day--but I did do some picking up because Seth was headed into the STL!

While I was waiting for Seth to arrive the UPS man paid me a visit with THE MOST AWESOMEST PANDA MUG EVER!!!!!!. (Read, Megs sent me a FABULOUS birthday present!) From which I drank tea and read "Confessions" and waited.

Over dinner Seth (beth88keys) and I did a bunch of catching up over one of my favorite recipes. (A delicious one I snagged from songsungmeg!) We had birthday cake and giggled and I told her some of my drumline-in-high-school stories. We laughed so hard we cried! It was fantastic.

Wednesday morning was kind of lazy, but I was, thankfully, feeling better. We putzed around the house, went and got some really good burgers at Bar Louie and then got ready for the concert!!!

The shows were so amazing! Bedouin Sound Clash looked a little bored while they played, but they were pretty good. Seth geeked about all the music technology happening around us! You know, I think before Paramore had even finished their opening number I had screamed some damage to my throat. And by the time they were done, I'm surprised either of us had voices left at all... Yet, we still managed to scream our vocal chords out for No Doubt! My GOD, Gwen was AMAZING!!! She did not stand still at all. And her body shows no record of having a kid--let alone two. You could tell the whole band was having such a great time. Towards the end of the show, Paramore and Bedouin Sound Clash cam out on stage with No Doubt and performed for part of the encore. (I think the song may have been "Stand and Deliver", but I'm not exactly sure.) When I realized what was going on, I swear, that was one one of my chords busted. Gwen and Hayley on stage--TOGETHER! OY! What a birthday! Before I went to bed that night I had to dig out a halls so that I could get my throat to stop hurting long enough to sleep.

Seth headed back to Monroe on Thursday morning and I headed back to work. Things have been mostly quiet at work, albeit boring, but we're getting ready for transition time. I'm looking forward to it and yet not. It can be a little stressful. I'm definitely going to miss having kids that can tell me what's wrong and can pick up after themselves after snack. And there are a few of my kids that I'll definitely miss when they switch rooms.

Last night I was invited to attend the opening of my friend's art showing. You can see most of the pieces from her show on Ashley's flickr. One of them, titled at the show "Facing Her Demons" (but titled on flickr, "Full Of It") was inspired by me! If I had the money, I'd have bought it!

After the art, several of us headed to a place called Benton Park Cafe--which is quickly becoming one of my favorite places to eat in St. Louis! We were there for hours talking and laughing. It was great! One of the guys eating with us purchased a couple drinks made of orange juice and Godiva liqueur, called a tootsie roll. Which sounds odd, but it totally tasted like a tootsie roll!

Finally, today. I almost talked myself out of getting up for church. Mostly because I was groggy and feeling lazy. But I haven't been to church since our ribbon cutting and I really missed everyone--because that was also the last time I saw most of my church friends. So, though I was late, I drug myself out of bed and headed to church. You know, it never fails to amaze me how God works. Katie's sermon this morning was really great and really moving and...really, something I needed to hear. (Some of you might find it in your facebook inboxes when they post the video!) Then we headed out to lunch--CHINESE FOOD! I've been craving it for days! We watched a huge, nasty storm front move in and then away. My fortune cookie had, as Kurn said, the most apropos message. He made me keep it and made me promise to put it somewhere I'd see it daily. It said, "Beauty is in the mirror you look at everyday. Enjoy your being." Again, it never fails to amaze me as to where God will turn up. And I really believe he was right there, in that fortune cookie.

All together, as far as I'm concerned, it's been an epic week. I'm a blessed girl, with a fabulous family, fantastic friends and another year of my life to look forward to!

No Doubt - Spiderwebs - Live in St. Louis



At some point you hear someone scream, "oh my God, I'm so excited!" But that wasn't me. I think it was the girl standing next to me.

I'll only have these videos (this and the video of Paramore) up for a week or so. But I wanted to share them with you guys--so you could share the, albeit lesser, awesome experience Seth and I had. It was so much fun. Honestly, I really, really could not have asked for a better birthday.

Around the 3:09 mark you can hear me shout, "but I got him where I want him now!" It's entertaining!

No Doubt played this song last night. And I keep singing it over and over and over to myself.

( And all I wanted was the simple things )

( Me, Seth, and twenty thousand people! )

There are, of course, more pictures. But I'm exhausted. I'll post more in the next few days.

My dad, several months ago, told me about this, but I kind of pushed it to the back of my mind because it's very humbling to think about. But today my mom and my grama were talking about my mom's obstetrician at the time that I was born. I'm named after this woman. Her name is Yvonne S. Thornton, MD and she is the author of The Ditch Digger's Daughters: A Black Family's Astonishing Success Story. For as long as I can remember, I've known that I was named after this woman, but I never really knew the back story--why she was such an important physician to my parents. Well...

My mom's first obstetrician recommended that she abort me because the pregnancy would be too high risk and it was likely that one of us would not survive the experience. However, my mom met Dr. Thornton and she believed that my mom, though she would be at a very high risk, could see through the pregnancy. And, obviously, she did.

My mom paid a price for it though--for almost two months after I was born, my mom was effectively blind. My mom's younger sister, Kate, spent the first six months helping my parents take care of me.

Finding out that someone championed for your abortment is a tough thing to swallow. It's still a really difficult thing for me to wrap my mind around. Neither of my parents had ever told me about this doctor who thought I should be aborted. And it only came up by accident one day as Dad and I were coming home from church here in Indy, as we were discussing Mom's health issues through the ages. I don't think my dad realized how much knowing this would really freak me out. Hell, I don't think I really knew how much it would freak me out.

For most of my life I've done a bit of grumbling about my first name. As far as I'm concerned, my name is Nichole. Period, end of story, thankyouverymuch. (Well, to some I'm Nikki. But you get the point.) And I've professed hating my first name. But, having the story of Dr. Thornton brought up again, and realizing that, in effect, she's the reason I was brought to term and that both myself and my mother survived the event--well, it definitely gives me an entirely new outlook on my first name. Now, don't expect me to change my preferred name. My family's never called me Yvonne, or any derivation thereof. As far as I'm concerned, I embody a Nichole, that is my name. What I'm trying to say, though, is this: I think I'll shudder far less when someone calls me by my first name. Out in the world somewhere is another woman named Yvonne. Other than my parents, she is the first person to believe in me, in the life in me. And, really, how can you shudder at that?

( geeked out and washed out )

I must extend of bow of thanks to my BFF, songsungmeg for helping pick them out--from almost 1000 miles away!

Pink is a great complement to the song--I'd love to hear her cover it, actually.

...okay, actually, don't call me sappy. But I've watched a few saptacular movies this week. At the end of "He's Just Not That In To You" (which I expected to be funnier than it was sappy and I was wrong), one of the characters makes an astute observation:

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs. And someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told, implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy. Maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just--moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."



I have a hard time believing in love. In the least, I have a hard time believing there is love in my future--that I will become something more than the crazy lady with the pack of dogs and 100 bottles of perfume. I am, however, a big fan of hope and the belief that there is always hope, no matter how dismal the outlook. Maybe my happy ending is knowing that I can be okay if I'm on my own. Who made up the rule that being single means being alone? I am not alone. I have amazing friends, in whose hands I would cast my life with veritable abandon.

Maybe there's hope, because in the years of being alone, He's meant me to be waiting for someone, anyone better than I've had eyes on. Or maybe He doesn't. Maybe there's just...just something better period.

Nge ni themba: I have hope.

1. If you can only hear one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?
"Do What You Have To Do" - Sarah McLachlan

2. What one song would you like to be played on your funeral?
"With You In Your Dreams" - Hanson

3. What one song that is best to describe your feeling right now?
"Gravity" - Sara Bareillis

4. What one song would you like to hear when you're sad and depressed?
"Song to Sing" - Hanson

5. What one song that you wished you have written?
"Possession" - Sarah McLachlan

So, I've been trying to clean out some of my life--as there's a lot of my life just sitting around. As I was clearing out one of my storage boxes, I found a copy of a poem I wrote my senior year of high school--and MAN is it bad! Given that I need a little laugh, because I've been taking myself FAR too seriously this week, I give you some random, untitled poem from my senior year. (I invite you to laugh. Because it's pretty bad! Formatting and all.)



Silence is our only truth
And only sunlight can be
Believed





(Never let it be said that I believe myself to be a good poet, or much of a poet at all.)

Three years.

Maybe I'll talk more about it later.

But my head super hurts.

All the same, three years. Take that former angsty-teenaged-self!

I really feel this song today. I don't really know why, but my iPod shuffled it through on my drive to Indy. And I just...feel it.

( cutting my hands up )

(X-posted from facebook. Title from Downhere's "My Last Amen".)

THREE WAYS I AM STILL A KID:
1. One word: FANGIRLING.
2. I still cry to my parents when my life sucks.
3. I watch Disney movies--a few times a week!

THREE WAYS I AM ALREADY OLD:
1. I look at two-year-olds and state, "Don't you roll your eyes at me!"
2. I'm in a lot--A LOT--of debt.
3. I will stand in the middle of a grocery store aisle and determine how much I'm paying per ounce of a product before I will decide on which to purchase. (Yes, I'm THAT girl.)

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO:
1. Write a novel.
2. Get into medical school.
3. Spend a year in another country. (Preferably Spain to improve my Spanish.)

THREE WAYS THAT I'M A STEREOTYPICAL "BOY":
*has to think really hard to answer this question*
1. Uh...oh, I'm completely entertained by belching!
2. The prospect of being a parent terrifies me.
3. (Okay, if someone can think of a third thing, please feel free to share.)

THREE WAYS THAT I'M A STEREOTYPICAL "GIRL":
1. I own more make-up than some stores stock in their shelves.
2. All three closets in my apartment are occupied with clothes.
3. Uh, did I mention I'm a total fangirl?

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Reading a novel in Spanish.
2. Sticking to proper eating and exercise.
3. Doing an independent study in biology.

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
*has to think really hard about this too*
1. I'm kinda funny.
2. I'm determined.
3. I'm a decent cook.

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I'm obscenely gullible and an absolute pushover.
2. I'm a snob. Sometimes I think I'm so stuck-up about being smart (well, I don't know that "smart" is the right word. But intelligent seems overreaching) because it's all I can do to make up for not being pretty.
3. I'm downright annoying.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Native American
2. African American
3. French/Creole

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Failure.
2. Being alone.
3. Large insects.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Make-up
2. Checking eljay and twitter
3. Yogurt with granola and a banana

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT A POTENTIAL PARTNER THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Shoulders
2. Eyes (especially blue ones)
3. Dark hair

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Draw. Seriously, everything I draw looks exactly like the shit I drew in the kindergarten. No, really. It does.
2. Chem problems involving molarity.
3. Show up on time. I think it's a genetic trait.

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Pediatric physician.
2. Pediatric surgeon.
3. Author.

THREE songs that mean something to you:
1. "Do What You Have to Do" - Sarah McLachlan
2. "Song to Sing" - Hanson
3. "Never Alone" - BarlowGirl

TWO confessions:
1. I should be studying for my chem lab final.
2. There's something very specific I fear when it comes to med school. But I don't want to say it out loud in case I jinx myself.

ONE thing you're thinking about right now:
Lord, please, just let me get a B.

Do you have a busy weekend coming up?
Kinda. Going to the eye doctor in Indianapolis, going grocery shopping, washing the boy, cleaning my car and trying to get some sleep.

Does it make you mad when people stare?
I've been fat my whole life. It doesn't really make me mad--just sad and self-conscious.

How did you get your last bruise?
I probably fell down or tripped on something. My name is really Bella Swan.

What are you doing Thursday?
Being tomorrow: lecture, lab final, work, study for lecture final, laundry.

Who is your last text message from?
Twitter.

Do you feel awkward when strangers say hi to you?
Oh. GOD. Yes. Strangers freak me out.

So, it's 5:32 am on the day of my first chem text of the summer. Why am I awake? Freaked out, yep. Didn't monitor my caffeine intake yesterday, yep. Having killer sinuses, that too. I'm going to be such a bitch today--I can feel it.

As I was getting ready for bed last night, I was thinking: Life in St. Louis is still very surreal to me. I feel as though I'm just sort of floating along here. Like I'm on a train, but I've still got another to catch before I get where I'm going. I enjoy St. Louis, quite a bit, but I feel as though, for as much as I like it, it'll never really be a place to call home. And the only time I really feel grounded is when I'm home with my parents or in Louisiana with friends.

My dad says I get what they called in the Navy, "transfer blues." Read: after so long in one place, I get itchy to leave it and go find some place new to explore. In that case, and I'm inclined to agree with him, I don't know that I'll ever call any one place home, least ways not for myself. Home has been so many places--even now, home is at least two.

I claim Oceanside, California as my "hometown", because when people ask about a hometown, it's really weird to say, "I don't have one." I claim it because that's where I spend most of my childhood. But I think I've always felt that home is where your friends and family are. Mine are spread from one end of the nation to the other.

There's no real point to this entry, just something I've thought about for a long time. And was thinking about again last night. However, I'm not sad that I don't feel "home" here. I hope for sometime I don't feel "home" anywhere. I want to move and travel and live in different places and experience the world before I concede to settling down.

I promised myself I would write this entry tonight--though I should probably be shuffling off to bed because I'm working early tomorrow.

I went home to Indianapolis this weekend. The most of it was rather uneventful, other than the check mom gave me for summer school. (Which I'm already feeling awful about.) On my drive back to the STL from Indy, my car died. I had no idea where I was--I just knew that I was a long way from St. Louis and an even longer way from Indy. After some logistical planning, well, here's a list:

-Walked about 1/2ish mile in not-walk-friendly flops (My own fault. I had other shoes in the back.) to figure out what exit I was near.
-Called roadside assistance. Set up a tow to the last big town I'd passed through.
-After about 2.5 hours, get towed to Effingham, Illinois.
-Wait another 3ish hours for mom and dad to get to Effingham from Indy with a U-Haul tow dolly.
-Ride back to Indy.

I spent the vast majority of this time doing some SERIOUS wallowing in an ocean of self-pity and self-animosity. After we got back to the house, my dad says, "What's wrong?" Mind you, through all of this, I had not cried. Not one tear--which is impressive for me in a situation like that. Usually about 30 seconds in, I'm screaming, hyperventilating, and doing a lot of swearing. Some how, I'd kept a pretty level head through most of the day. Until my dad asked what was wrong. Then I let out this piteous, woeful wail about how I've made an absolute mess of my life and how it was completely unfair for my parents to be continually be paying (literally and figuratively) for how much I've fucked up my life. What does my dad say? "Are you done with the pity party now? Because it's not a big deal."

My parents are incredible people. But it took that moment, the moment of them telling me to just get over myself for me to finally step out of the pity-pool and see the blessings of the day. How are there blessings in a day like that? Let me list them for you:

-The whether was gorgeous! With a nice cross breeze so neither Roo nor I was ever hot while we were waiting in the car.
-I had food and water in my car if I had had to wait longer.
-My roadside assistance folk were AWESOME. The company they usually contract with were going to charge me $200 dollars to tow me from St. Elmo, Il to Effingham (a distance of about 25 miles). So, the guy I was working with called a few other companies and found one that would tow me for $80.
-I was to meet my parents at a pawn/U-Haul place in Effingham. The shop owner was so great to me the whole time I was there waiting. He let me sit, with Roo-boy, on the porch of the shop, gave me a chair to sit in, allowed me to use the employee-only bathroom, and offered me something to drink.
-Said shop owner kept the shop open late. He waited for my parents to arrive and then helped my dad get the car on to the tow-dolly. (Not as easy at it would sound--especially because Finn would not turn over, at all.)
-We towed the car, safely, 200 miles back to Indianapolis without incident.
-Libby's nephew works for a Chrystler dealership in Indy. And after determining that the car needs a new timing belt, is going to replace that, the water pump and do a tune-up for right at one grand. (Libby is my mom's bff. They met when I was 8.) That amount of work could easily cost up to two grand or more.
-My dad found a U-Haul place that was willing to rent him a truck even though the truck was to go out immediately this morning. Daddy plead his case with the man and he let dad have the truck.
-My parents have two vehicles. Both of which I'm covered to drive. So I drove my dad's truck back to St. Louis today.

While I still don't feel completely fabulous about myself and this whole money thing, I feel a lot better about it. When I finally started to look back and reflect on all of this, I could see very plainly, very clearly that I had not been abandoned as I had thought. In the least, I wasn't being punished for something. That He had been there at every turn and the day could have very, very easily been so much worse.

As I was getting ready for bed, I thought back to the shuffle my iPod had played. When I first hit play, my most favorite worship song, "Better is One Day" started and was followed by an uncanny, high number of praise and worship songs. Maybe, in those hours just before things went wrong, God was sending me a message. "Something's about to happen--and it's going to suck. But I am with you."

Machines, like man, are fallible. Hardships happen and are unavoidable. That's hard to remember when, what you want to think is, "God, why did you let this happen?" And it's really hard to remember that I serve a God who loves and does not seek to punish. As my friend Teresa says, "We live in a fallen world."

My God is with me. He had me by the hand the whole time. And maybe, just maybe, had a hand in the shuffle of my iPod.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD." -Jeremiah 29:11-14

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a]have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." -Romans 5:1-5

Yesterday was hard. But I wouldn't trade it. Not a minute. Or even one song.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary, from time to time, to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
— Miss Piggy