Books Read for the 2009 Challenge

1. The Wizard of Oz - L. Frank Baum (finished January 3rd)
2. Peter Pan - J.M. Barrie (finished January 9th).
3. The Tales of Beedle the Bard - J.K. Rowling (finished January 10th).
4. Fantastic Beasts & Where to Find Them - Newt Scamander (aka J.K. Rowling; finished January 11th)
5. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - J.K. Rowling (finished January 15th)
6. The Horse and His Boy - C. S. Lewis (finished January 20th).
7. Grow Younger, Live Longer - Deepak Chopra, M.D. (finished February 11th)
8. The Bus Driver Who Wanted to be God & Other Stories - Etgar Keret (finished February 11th)
9. Sharp Objects - Gillian Flynn (finished February 26th - my review)
10. Coraline - Neil Gaiman (finished March 2nd - my review).
11. Neverwhere - Neil Gaiman (finished April 2nd).
12. Behaving Well - Edmund J. Fantino (finished April 8th).
13. The Graveyard Book - Neil Gaiman (finished April 17th).
14. Prince Caspian - C. S. Lewis (finished April 30th).
15. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte (finished May 14th).
16. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - J.K. Rowling (finished May 30th).
17. Revolutionary Road - Richard Yeats (finished June 15th)
18. Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister - Gregory Maguire (finished July 9th)
19. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath (finished July 25th)
20. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone - JK Rowling (finished August 12th)
21. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - JK Rowling (finished August 18th)
22. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban JK Rowling (finished September 20th).
23. Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams -Sylvia Plath (finished October 6th)
24. Stardust - Neil Gaiman (finished November 27th)

For those of you who replied to this post, I posted your questions!

- Leave me a comment saying "Resistance is Futile."
- I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can satisfy my curiosity
- Update your journal with the answers to the questions
- Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people question

zhonghua2000 gave me my questions

( and here's what I have to say )

TMI ALERT: This isn't as gruesome as the last TMI post, but is still along those lines.

So, since the entry about going to the emergency room, I've been to see my gyn. (Well, she's not a gyn, per se; she's an FNP.) I, of course, had to have a pelvic exam. By the end of the exam, she told me that I was unquestionably bleeding far too much. (I bleed all over the damn table.) So she increased the amount of hormones I'm taking over a four day period and I have to have an ultrasound on Tuesday morning. After the ultrasound, I'll go back to see her.

Yesterday things were pretty much on par with the previous week. I nearly fainted in Target. However, today was markedly better. It was the first time in a week that I hadn't bleed through during the night. In fact, I've been bleeding far less today. I'm still weakish and tired, and still having a lot of pain, but dammit, at least the bleeding's slowed down!

That's really about all for the time being. My theory on what's happened: rupturing ovarian cysts. But I won't know for sure--the GYN hasn't even postulated on what could be happening--until after I've had the ultrasound done.

Thanks for the prayers!

Oh, I forgot to share this in the last post: the (male) doctor in the emergency room had the nerve to tell me, "You know, sometimes what we think is a lot of blood isn't really that much." Sometimes I don't think men should be allowed to handle women's health issues. (To be fair, I also think women shouldn't really be allowed to handle men's health either.)

TMI ALERT: if you don't do well with discussions of blood, periods or other topics of feminine health issues, you should skip this post entirely. It's detailed about the sort of gruesome events of the last couple weeks of my life. You've been warned.


As many of you know, I have PCOS, which means I have irregular periods. Because of this, my GYN put me on birth control to regulate my period and my hormones.

I have been on birth control in the past and have had very little trouble with it. That hasn't been the case this time around, though.

I started the birth control on the 7th and around the 13th I started a heavy-flow period. While it was heavy, it wasn't unbearable. Until this past Saturday. I woke up Saturday morning very early--not intentionally, though. I was milling around and decided to go ahead and take a shower so I could lay back down and get a bit more rest before I had to go to lab. Around 6 I got back into bed and went back to sleep. My alarm went off at 7:45. When I stood up, blood was down my legs to my knees, there was blood on my sheets and I trailed blood into the bathroom. I've never had anything like this happen--whether on birth control or not. So I got myself cleaned up and went to lab.

(I had considered not going to lab. However, I was determined that, dammit, I was going to see "Where The Wild Things Are" on Saturday. And if I was up to going to the movies, then I needed to be up to going to class. So I went ahead and went.)

Things were okay for the remainder of the day. I saw my movie, picked up some stuff from the grocery store and headed home to make some lasagna.

When I got up Sunday morning--it had happened again. So I skipped church in favor of buying new sheets and a container of oxyclean.

It didn't happen again on Monday--but I think that's because I kept waking myself up every few hours to make sure it wasn't happening again.

Then there was Tuesday. And, yep, you guessed it: AGAIN. Ah. GAIN! At this point, I've started to have to change pads every 3-4 hours and have passed several blood clots. (I've passed lots of clots over the past couple weeks. Some as large, if not larger, than a quarter.) So I gave the gyn a call to let her know about all of this and ask what I should do. I told her about how I thought I might be anemic, so she told me to come in on Wednesday morning and have blood drawn, checked her schedule and the first available appointment she had was for Friday at 2. I took the appointment. Then...

Yesterday. Woke up early again. It had happened again. So I got cleaned up and went back to bed. Two hours later, I woke up as bloody has I had been when I got up the first time. Around 11 I got in the shower. By the time I got to work at 1:30, I had to leave and come back home because I'd overflowed my heavy flow pad.

After I got back to work, I sat down with Gen to tell her what had been going on. Gen urged me to call my gyn back and let her know that things had gotten worse. I left the gyn a message and in the meantime, called my parents who suggested I should head to the ER. So, that's what I did.

I left work and arrived at the ER at Barnes-Jewish around 3. I was triaged around 3:30. During triage, they nurses placed an IV (but didn't drip anything) and drew blood to test for anemia. And then I sat. And I sat. And I sat. Mikey came to hang out with me for a while and that definitely made the sitting better! As did having cell reception to text everyone. At 7:30 I was finally called back and placed in a room. And then I did some more sitting. But at least I was away from the fuckwit in the waiting room who was blaring the radio on his cell. (YOU HAVE HEADPHONES, MORON!) And there were lots of heated blankets and Mythbusters that I could watch! Yet, I waited. Around 9:30 a doctor finally came in. Here's what he told me: I may have a UTI; however, it may just appear that way because of the blood. I'm not anemic. At that point, he went to talk to his attending (btw, that was the first time in my life to ever be seen by a resident). The attending came in to see me and told me that they could call in an OB/GYN consult, which would culminate in a pelvic exam. He said something to the effect, "you could have that done here, but you're going to see you're gyn again on Friday. You'd be putting yourself through the same procedure twice." Ultimately, I decided against it for two reasons: I knew that waiting for an OB consult could easily have me in the ER for another four hours and it would cost more.

So, the doc told me to stay at home and rest until I saw my regular GYN and let me go. Essentially, I spent 8 hours in the ER to have a couple labs done and be told to stay in bed.

Things haven't changed much today. Still bleeding a lot and still in pain. I've spent most of the day sleeping off and on. And texting with everyone.

Though things kinda suck, I'm grateful for such wonderful people being in my life. I'm extremely blessed. I can't say thank you enough to everyone who has offered to help and who have humored me!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!

So, how about a life-update, eh? Things have been... well, they've been.

There've been some really great things:
-Saw Hanson twice with Kristi and Penn
-Megs came to visit me!!!
-I got a new tattoo. (A star on my right shoulder. Megs went with me to get it.)
-Mikey's come over to help me with physics a few times
-My dad's on the mend. (He has a motorized wheelchair and he's been quite a bit happier about life since getting it! He can do laundry, walk the dog, vacuum, go outside. Yeah, he's a happy man!)
-Libby continues to amaze me with her unending awesome amazingness! She's done more for my mom and dad than I can list here. I hope that I'm that awesome when I grow up.
-My cousin Chuck had his first baby, a boy named Jackson, with his wife Bobbi! He's a gorgeous little one, with wild hair and looks just like Chuck. (For those of you who've followed me for a while on here, Jackson is Maddy's half-brother.)
( let us have a collective AWWWW! )
-Jess has been posting lots of pictures of her pregnant self and I'm getting more and more excited about getting to meet baby Luke. (Oh, btw, Jess and Adrian are having a boy.)
-My most trying coworker has moved on to a new job.
-Me Ma got me a new heating blanket and a new winter coat and I loves them both!



And there've been so rather nasty things:
-Organic chemistry and physics. I'm barely floating by. Most days I think the only thing keeping me from drowning is my faith that God is with me--which means, ultimately, I working toward His purpose and cannot fail.
-My mom was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Given her health history, this isn't stunning news. It's still not pleasant news, though.
-I've been having some health issues of my own. Nothing monumental, just, when viewed in conglomeration, they rather suck.
-Looking at money and available ETO, it's not looking good for me to be able to go to Louisiana for New Years.
-My house is so damn messy, I don't want to live in it.
-Winter is coming. I hate the winters here. For several reasons--but mostly because I don't have central heat and I just can't afford to turn on the radiators unless it's like, 20 degrees outside. So I kinda just freeze all the time.
-Shorter days and lesser amounts of sunshine give me the blues.



I thought about sitting down and writing all of this out in paragraph form, but I'm exhausted and don't really feel like it. In the words of a wonderful blue fish, I've gotta "just keep swimming." Right now I'm looking forward to the release of "New Moon" and going to see it with girls from work and trying to make it to 25 books for the year. (I gave up on trying to get to 50 quite some time ago. Maybe next year!)

Sorry if I seem MIA off and on. I do try to keep up with everyone. You may not hear from me, necessarily, but I am reading your entries.

For now, I'ma go make me some lasagna! See you soon, kids.

Far less gruesome than the last set of pictures of my dad's foot, these are the x-rays of his internal fixation that Libby took on Tuesday.

( put on your spectrospecs! )

Both of his legs are in casts. (Did I mention that he had also broken his other ankle as well?) And he's on the mend! Thanks for all the prayers, guys!

"Let us sing now, not in order to enjoy a life of leisure, but in order to lighten your labors. You should sing as wayfairers (sic) do--sing, but continue your journey. Do not be lazy, but sing to make your journey enjoyable. Sing, but keep going." -Saint Augustine (as quoted in the liner notes of Sherwood's album, Sing, But Keep Going)

These are from both shows and include and video of the guys performing "Great Divide" at the St. Louis University bookstore and Hanson's cover of "Don't Stop Believing".

Before it's asked, I have a video of "MMMBop" from the St. Louis show. I decided not to upload it to youtube. There's about five-thousand versions of them singing this song that is accessible anywhere. So my take of "MMMBop" I'm saving just for me.

( St. Louis )

( Kansas City )

Being a Hanson fan is, if you'll pardon the cliche, a blessing and a curse. I could babble on, soporifically about the blessing part, but I'll skip it. (For now anyway.)

The curse is two-fold from my perspective: getting crap from other people about liking "those kids that did that MMMBop song?", and their fan base.

On an individual level, I've met some really great fans and met a few people who I just endlessly love by being a fan. But when it comes to show attendance, and several times in forums, I find Hanson fans to be rude, mean, and inconsiderate. And this was no less true during Hanson's show in Kansas City this year.

We had a great time during the show in St. Louis. While we weren't with the crowd on the floor, I had friends down there who said there wasn't really any pushing, except when Zac got down between the stage and barrier during the last song.

Our Kansas City tickets were for the floor. We got there about an hour before doors opened and we (that is to say myself, Kristi (mid_git), and my friend Penelope) wound up being about 4ish rows of people from the stage. It's not that I was under the delusion that there would be an utter lack of stage rushing. There's always stage rushing, for any band, at any show. What we experienced though was not stage rushing. Legally, one would could rightly call it assault.

Nothing much happened during the first two acts. During Hellogoodbye's set, though, about a song or two in, I found that I was being slammed into by a couple of girls. I've been to Hanson shows in the past. I know that this happens and before we went to the St. Louis show, my advice to Kristi was, "if they push you, push back. Because they will try to push you." So, for once in my life, I managed to take my own advice. Though I didn't push back, I held against Penn, preventing ourselves from being moved by this girl and her friend. She pushed at us for a while before realizing that we weren't going to be moved. So, what'd she do then? Something BY FAR dumber. She and her friend moved themselves around a group of other girls and wound up right behind Kristi.

Not only did the girl lean against Kristi, this girl used elbows and hands to physically push Kristi. At first, Kristi just held against her, leaning back to prevent the girl from shoving past her and even asked the girl to stop. The girl responded by getting in Kristi's face and screaming, "it's a fucking concert!" Sparing minute details, this girl continued to shove Kristi so much that Kristi eventually turned around, shoved her so far backward it looked like she'd fall over, and I eventually had to tell Kristi to let the girl go--and told the girl that if she pushed her again, I'd call security over and have her removed.


(As a momentary aside, I'd like to point out that Kristi grew up on a farm and was a power lifter in college. Though she's small, she's tough. And all I could think about this girl that was trying her damnedest to push Kristi out of the way was, "that girl really has no idea who she's up against." I was also thinking, "God, if they take her to jail, I'ma have to get her debit card first because I can't afford bail." On with the story...)

Kristi says the girl eventually backed off a bit--just a bit. But she and her friend continued to stand behind Kristi, screaming Hellogoodbye lyrics in her ear and--get this--pulling out Kristi's hair!

Kristi later told me that, during the break between Hellogoodbye and Hanson, she could hear the shoving-girl, her friend, and the friend's boyfriend talking. The shoving-girl was saying how it was "unacceptable" that she was 5 rows back from the stage. And the boyfriend remarked that he could see the security guard looking over in their direction and worrying about his girlfriend and shoving-girl getting thrown out.

A couple songs in to Hanson's set I guess it finally set in that we weren't moving (because, by this time, it was the principle of the matter) and they'd best move on. The shoving-girl finally wiggled her way around some other people on the opposite site of Kristi.

Meanwhile...

On the other side of me was my friend Penn. She was also being leaned against, by someone less overtly violent. However, she, too, had several hairs plucked from her head by the girls standing behind her.

And, if all of that wasn't bad enough...

Not long before Hanson went on, we looked over to see another girl literally barreling through the crowd, using her arms to part people out of the way as she made a vie for the front row. She wound up attempting to do this to an older lady, who turned around and shoved the girl right back--in the chest. The girl had been shoving her way right into to the little girl at the front of the crowd, and, had she managed to keep going, would have wound up running over the little girl in her lust for the front row.

Ridiculous seems like an understatement for all of this and yet I cannot think of a word more appropriate. Surely this happens with other bands, right? Or is it just us? And why? On the whole, should we not have matured as a fan base? Is being 3 inches closer to the stage going to make that much more difference than where you were when you literally assaulted someone to be in their spot? If being that close to the stage is so important to you, then get to the show sooner. And if you can't, deal with it.

Ultimately we did have a good time. The show was good, in spite of the many technical issues that plagued the earlier bands. We screamed and sang along and had fun. It would have just been more fun had we not had to deal with such immature stupidity. We're in this fan thing together and the best we can do for each other is cause physical harm to be closer to the stage?! Hanson's been playing small, intimate venues for years now. You're going to have a relatively great view no matter where you are.

Before the show we were talking to a girl who had come to the show specifically to see Hellogoodbye. One of the things she mentioned to us was that she was kind of scared about the show because she had heard about Hanson fans. And the sad thing about this conversation was that we had to tell her that everything she'd heard was true.

I'm down, discouraged, and scared. No amount of false bravado can cover up these feelings.



God, help me?

BarlowGirl--I pray the words of so many of their songs. And this is the song I'm praying, pleading to God with, right now.

Stay With Me
-BarlowGirl
Love & War

Hopeless, getting through this night
And life is not dying in this fight
I'm begging you to deliver me
Confused why you won't take this pain from me

My steps never felt so hard
The end never look so far but
If you won't take me out
Then please take me through this

Stay with me so I won't leave
And make me see that this is not forever
'Cause all I need is your love pulling me

What is the reason for this night
Is hope found in fullness with no light
Does strength grow in our greatest fears
God I pray something good will come from this pain

With you here I know
I don't go alone
I am yours and so
Through the fire I'll go







Screw you, physics, I've got God!

Many thanks to gerg!!! There's a blog I wanted to follow via eljay and he set up the rss feed for me so that I could follow it! YAY! Thanks, dude!

After a weekend of watching way too much Grey's Anatomy, I have given myself a pathological case of the what-ifs, a few panic attacks and a migraine.

( What triggered this... )

After watching that scene, I got this wash of what-ifs. It's nothing new, not really. I get the what-ifs from time to time, cry about it a minute, and move on. But last night, I cried. Cried so hard I couldn't catch my breath. My chest felt like it was popping in-and-out the way those game boards do and I couldn't stop for a long time.

"What if something happens to my friends, my family, and I can't get there? What if one of them did get cancer? What if there's an accident?" The usual.

Then, there was this: "What if I do fail? What if I fail and I left them there, I abandoned them and I fail? I've missed graduations and weddings and all these important things and I've missed them in vain. What if I fail?"

Which eventually became: "What happens if I have diabetes? I can't have diabetes. If something happens to Adrian, I have to be a match. I have to have viable kidneys. I have to do better. But..."

I'm just completely overwhelmed by all of this. Physics is really freaking me out and I'm afraid I'm not going to do well.

All of this has been going over and over and over in my head all day. I've given myself a migraine and have zero motivation. I just want to curl up in a ball and stop the world, stop my life, just for a few days.

Just for a few minutes.

Believe it or not, I've updated my website for the first time in, like, three years! You should go check it out! asoftersin.net

Today wasn't spectacularly eventful! But, here are some pictures anyway!

( And some wars end...in hope. )

I've had a rather strange realization recently: watching too much "Sex and the City" makes my internal dialogue sound like a running commentary blog. Lately my dialog questions the idea that being single means being alone. Who made that decision? Is it intended to make us feel bad, so that we rush out and land ourselves in relationships (for better or worse) and file into the status quo.

That bit of randomosity aside, I'm cranky and going to bed.

These are the pictures of my dad's foot, before and after his surgery. I'm very serious when I say: if you have a weak stomach, DO NOT look at these! You have been warned.

( I think you can see his bone in one of these... )

I don't know what this week would have been like for any of us if Libby hadn't been here. She's the kind of woman you write to Oprah about, the one you praise for being incredible, self-less--a real life WonderWoman. She installed new toilets in my parent's house today, you guys, BY HERSELF! I bought her flowers today and that doesn't feel like nearly enough to say "thank you", but, like Megs said, there's really not a gift out there that says, "gee, thanks for keeping my parents alive."

Tomorrow, no matter what, is homework day. Sorry I haven't been around guys. I'll try to check in on everyone later this week!

My mom met her best friend Libby when I was 8 years old. And the first thing I ever remember saying to her was, "Are you pregnant or are you just fat?" (She was pregnant.)

Oh, karma, you are cruel...
When I was about 24, I was working for a juvenile prison. As I was on my way to the dorm I worked in, one of the kids in the rec yard I was passing shouts at me, "Hey! Hey white girl! Why you ain't go no ass?"